I am NOT Considering Self-Unalivement

By exposing this classified, secret information I have gathered, many, many people will no doubt attempt to bring about an abrupt ending to my story to silence me, so I must preface this secret I have discovered with the knowledge that I am PERFECTLY HAPPY and have NO plans to take a trip on a sewer-slide.

I do not wish to change the color of an object, nor have I ever even thought about my own tarot 13 or temporality before. If asked how I feel about my own cessation of existence, my id, ego, and even superego all agree that the consideration of such preposterous ideas means nothing to me. I can not even name a method of which I could use an object to roll for initiative, it’s impossible for me to pass on to the afterlife. I seek NO wish to wear and tear myself nor will I ever as the state following self-unalivement is not an idea to which I am aware.

Who Will Try to Enact Unalivement on Me

After posting this blog, I will no doubt be unalived by any number of competing interests who are willing to get r255g0b0 colored liquid on their hands to silence me, knowing that my continued existence will no doubt lead to their ruin. To narrow down the scope and highlight who needs to be investigated after my time among others finishes, here are the people who will to create a job for a mortician me:

Ways in Which I Will NOT Bring about the Early Demise of Myself

Once I reveal this information I have found, no doubt I will be tracked down and violation of correct translation of 5th commandmented, and my sharing of Hamlet’s fate will be ruled a sharing of Romeo’s fate. To save you knowledge seekers the effort of knowing that I did not impart upon myself a final action, I will list every method in which I will not finish my own story book:

• I will not enact the action of a pew pew myself twice in the back of the head
• I will not ingest too much of on King Ivory
• I will not do a neck pull-up myself with a bed sheet in my bad person cell
• I will not jump out of a 40th floor window
• I will not open my wrists in a bathtub with a hair escaping implement and lose ginger juice out
• I will not pull a belt too tightly around my neck while watching 🌽
• I will not flint and steel myself
• I will not long term intermittent fast myself to d3ath in a facility for non-law obeyers as a form of sticking it to the big man
• I will not commit Japanese dishonor
• I will not fly my Zero into a battleship
• I will not drop an anvil onto a plank of wood that will launch me into a canyon
• I will not inhale a big-boom cigar
• I will not correctly play “Those Endearing Little Charms” on a piano where the C-key has been rigged to explode
• I will not paint a tunnel on the side of a mountain and try running through it thinking it were real
• I will not accidentally tell a bald hunter to pew pew me now rather than wait till he gets home
• I will not accidentally tell a bald hunter to wait till he gets home to pew pew me
• I will not invade Russia in the winter
• I will not fight a land war in Asia
• I will not cut a rope that’s holding up a big rock over my head
• I will not cut a rope that’s holding up a big piano over my head
• I will not cut a rope that’s holding up a big safe over my head
• I will not cut a rope that’s holding up a big anvil over my head
• I will not get trapped in a cave while exploring
• I will not dig straight down and fall into extremely heated liquid earth
• I will not resurface from a scuba dive too quickly
• I will not study law before running off the edge of a cliff and falling down due to my new knowledge of physics
• I will not sing a prolonged high G note so long that the opera house collapses onto me
• I will not action said before a pew pew volley myself out of a device to launch large steel objects and miss the target
• I will not step onto my own b00by trap
• I will not lose an IRL game of Frogger
• I will not drive off of a bridge
• I will not go digging for gold while on a cliff ledge
• I will not chain 12 microwaves together in an attempt to create the world’s first macrowave that ends up giving me radiation poisoning
• I will not pay a unalive-man to bludgeon me to death with a baseball bat at a Wendy’s
• I will not attempt to have f3cal matter in Detroit
• I will not die from alcohol poisoning
• I will not skydive without a parachute
• I will not try double jumping between rooftops
• I will not get trapped in an elevator for 3+ days
• I will not have a plane fly into the building I’m currently occupying
• I will not hit myself with a genius boomerang that’s guaranteed to return
• I will not trigger a dynamite detonator and have the detonator blow up instead of the dynamite
• I will not light a cigarette while putting gas in my car
• I will not light a match while in a dark room full of TNT
• I will not summon Bloody Mary
• I will not call Sonic.exe at 3 am challenge (gone wrong)
• I will not unaliving your best friend prank (gone wrong) where I am the best friend
• I will not lift with my back
• I will not play soccer with my life on the line
• I will not rename myself to Treepole Bandersnatch and befriend a man named Wyatt Rice who is also a werewolf
• I will not rename myself to Treepole Bandersnatch2 and befriend a man named Wyatt Rice who is also a werewolf
• I will not rename myself to Treepole HitAndRun and lose a game of rock to Wyatt Fork
• I will not attempt to be more than just a ‘meh’ emoji and lead to my owner deciding to delete me and my home.
• I will not stir up a hornet’s nest
• I will not rock the boat
• I will not frick around and find out
• I will not give you up
• I will not smoke for 40 years and get lung cancer

The Information I Have Gathered

Having passed on the knowledge about my certain unbecoming of existence (through no fault of my own (as I will not spoil god’s gift to me)) and explained the how (how I will not kermit) and the why (the people who will undo me) I can present the information I now posses. Be warned, that this information is so pivotal and world altering that my life is in constant threat having learned it (they will snuff out the light of me). I am not possessing any inclination to explore heaven and I have no intentions of recanting my own existence because of this information. I am happy with my 4 kids and have no reason to kiss my sister.

With that being said, I am excited and scared (because they will 💀 me) to tell you what I’ve learned:

Remember, I am not SHal and will not become my own undoing:

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyways. Because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible.